Marriage Addendums
In regards to your “Connubial Cage Match,” I would like to point out that “marriage is like a fortress under siege. Everybody on the outside thinks they want to get in, but everybody on the inside just wishes they could get out!” If you do marry, marry an Eskimo. That way—if you throw her out in the middle of the night she won’t freeze to death. Also, get a “pre-nup.” Paul McCartney didn’t get a pre-nup—now, (legally) he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. Jim Seay

You just reminded me of a whole list of similes that I couldn’t fit into the piece. I really wanted to, but space was limited. I thought I was just going to throw them away, but now I can share them with the world…

Marriage is like an amusement park. There are lots of rides and fun things to do but sometimes you have to wait forever in line. And sometimes you throw up.

Marriage is like spinning plates in the circus. It’s challenging and fun. You wear funny clothes and make children laugh. But sometimes you get heckled by midgets. Then you slip and fall and holy crap is it a mess.

Marriage is like a cross country road trip. You get to see visit exciting places, sing songs and have long talks on empty stretches of open road. But sometimes you hit things like squirrels and dogs and deer. And sometimes what you thought was a deer wasn’t and you need someone to help you bury that something that you thought was a deer. And it’s helpful if that someone who helps you bury that thing you thought was a deer can’t be forced to testify against you.

Do Me a Flavor Please don’t make fun of me for what I need to ask because I feel like you guys are the only way I can get my ideas where they need to go. I know that you all aren’t Hollywood-connected or anything, but I do know that you know people who know people and on and on. So please, please, please if there is any way possible that you can do it, please forward the attached email to Aaron Sorkin. He is the creator of “The West Wing” and “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip” and one of the most brilliant writers ever. Thank you in advance for any help you can give me. Neil (letter attached, see below)

Dear Mr. Sorkin, My name is Neil and I’m about to blow your mind. First of all, let me tell you how much I am completely influenced by your brilliance on a weekly basis. If your television shows were illegal drugs, I would totally be in an intervention right now. If you know what I mean. I’m pretty sure you do.

I have some business to discuss with you. I too am a writer and after much hard work, research and way too many Diet Dr. Peppers (talk about addiction!)… I have come up with what I think is a pretty wickedly good batch of original show ideas. With my ability to brainstorm fresh and ORIGINAL ideas and your amazing (AMAZING) ability with dialogue and character development, I think we might be looking at some bona fide hits. Take your time with these. Let them marinate and then you can get back to me at the email I have attached. If you prefer to call, just leave a message and I’ll call you back immediately. There’s something weird with my phone so it doesn’t actually ring, but the message machine blinks when I have a message and I always, always check it.

I really look forward to potentially maybe working with you.

1. “Weather Night” —Basically, this is an in-depth look at the complicated workings of a 24-hour weather channel. You think the White House is stressful? You should try reporting in rain that rains very heavily and in a sideways manner. Try filling dead air when a woodchuck chews through the Doppler radar power cord. And you think there was sexual tension on “Sports Night”? You haven’t seen anything until you meet “Flash Flood” and “Stormy Weathers.” The chemistry between these two is exactly what you would imagine if El Nino and Hurricane Katrina were people. In love!

2. “Volcano Hunters” —This show will feature the same kind of wisecracking cast as “Studio 60” except instead of putting on a comedy show they are an expert team of volcano hunters who travel the world chasing volcanoes. I know what you’re thinking: normal volcanoes don’t move. And you’re right. But I didn’t say anything about NORMAL volcanoes.

3. “Meat Crazy” —Bear with me on this one. I know you’re not usually a fan of the reality show genre and I think that’s only because you haven’t found the right concept yet. “Meat Crazy” is about men who love meat and the families of those men who must adjust their lives to accommodate their husband’s meat love. Each episode could be named after a kind of meat (chicken, pork and steak, to name a few). And the twist is that each week at the end of the episode the men would have to confront the very thing that they love to eat. Every week we get a very emotional encounter between man and the meat animal. If you’re wondering exactly how we do this, I have two words for you: Clay Mation. As for the host, if you were thinking Shatner like I was thinking Shatner then I think we were destined to be work buddies.

By now, you probably need a minute to collect your thoughts. I understand. I figured this would happen. So like I said, let it all marinate (especially Meat Crazy!) and then call me at your earliest convenience.

Yours in creativity, Neil