Ok, I’ll admit it - last Saturday was a bit of blur. 

I drove through a torrential downpour to get back to Richmond from Hampton Roads in less than two hours to judge the bikini contest at Bailey’s Pub & Grille’s Summer Kickoff in Midlothian. 
Unsurprisingly, I didn’t think much about the speed limit. 

As I chucked my last quarter out the window with a “hail Mary” toss at the final toll stop, I noticed a state trooper lurking on the side of the road.  I was probably speeding, but thankfully, I never heard any sirens.

A few weeks ago, Mike Patterson, the general manager at Bailey’s, called me to ask if I might be interested in helping to judge the contest.  As if he had to ask.

Judging a bikini contest was one of my boyhood dreams, along with becoming Superman and winning the lottery.  Since I haven’t shown any evidence of having super powers, the DNA test couldn’t conclusively prove I’m from Krypton and the Easy Pick machine seems to be my only arch-enemy, I thought the contest would be my only shot at making any of those dreams come true.

I got there early, so I questioned the crowd to find out more about the contest. 

The bikini contest themed “Puppies for Puppies” was a fundraiser to benefit the local SPCA.  And before I get those heartfelt death and dismemberment threats via e-mail, please understand that “Puppies for Puppies” was the name of the contest.

Since the proceeds were going towards a good cause, the participants were all for it.

Asheli Smith and Jennifer Reynolds both work at Bailey’s.  Catherine McHugh and Michelle Hatcher had heard about the contest and thought they should give it a shot.

A few ladies admitted they were nervous, but Jessica “Kitty” Hoal, another Bailey’s worker, wasn’t one of them.  Last Saturday was her first bikini contest, but she’s also a member of the Richmond Derby Demons roller derby team and performs burlesque shows locally with Panty Raid Go-Go Brigade, so she didn’t mind the spectacle.

Asheli wore a creative bikini fashioned from yellow “CAUTION” tape.  Despite her strategically-placed warnings, I needed to sate my own curiosity, so I went over to ask how she came up with such a nifty idea.

“Well, I had the tape and a few swimsuits that I needed to get rid of anyway, so I just cut them up and made this one,” Asheli said.  Thanks to Asheli, I’m now an ardent advocate for recycling.

Mandy arrived later with Brick friends Amy Lundsford, Joel Nolting and Fillmore Bell in tow.  “Where are we going to put the Brick banner?” Mandy asked. 

There wasn’t anywhere to put the banner, and it occurred to me that no one would be looking at the banner during the contest.

“Why’s it so cold in here?” Amy asked quizzically.  “Why do you think?” Mandy replied as I snickered.

I took a seat in the judging area next to Larry Jackson, a Bailey’s regular, and Brian Lawrence from Trophy Cup Apartments.  The other judges included Drew Hinnegan, a Sam Adams representative, and Daryl Clements, one of Mike Patterson’s long-time friends.

We were given scorecards and asked to judge using the categories of swimwear, enthusiasm, smile, physique and crowd reaction.  Additionally, each lady collected donations from the crowd in plastic buckets.

The ladies strutted across a covered pool table to suggestive anthems such as “Get Your Freak On” and “This Is Why I’m Hot.”

Between bites of spicy garlic Grand Champion wings and sweet potato fries, I scribbled down my scores.  After smearing the scorecard twice with greasy fingers, I hoped the scores were still legible.

After another walkthrough, the monies were tallied up and the winner was chosen.  Catherine won first place, while Asheli and Michelle took second and third place, respectively.  As the crowd cheered and I posed for several pictures with the contestants, I hoped I’d get a chance to return to Bailey’s again next year.

Well folks, it just goes to show that if you eat all your vegetables, keep your room clean and play nice with others, dreams really can come true.

appleman, thank you!  I appreciate the fact that at least one person in the RVA finally noticed that Style Weekly tried to diss me on the low last month in their Brick Trick editorial without mentioning my name. 

Honestly, I thought it was kind of petty.  The editor tried to suggest that I’m part of the problem instead of a hard-working guy who tries to be the total solution! 

To quote one of my favorite rappers Kanye West on his song “Last Call,” “I’m the gap like Banana Republic and Old Navy.”

They’re just mad because we’ve got more “style” than they do.  There, I said it.

Everyone should read Brick, even the cougars!  Rraaoow!!!

I agree CP!  Now I know why Style was making an issue of Korey pulling double duty as a writer and marketing rep.  They hang out with their readers (middle aged women who aren’t even cougars anymore) and they wish they had readers like Brick.  Jealousy is an ugly thing. 

Why not have more photos? Video would be even better!

Thanks, chunky! 

This “Experience It” feature more than makes up for the many risk of injury and/or death waiver forms I’ve had to sign since I joined Team Brick!

I want your job Korey!