On a typical day, the three major network affiliates—WWBT (NBC), WVEC (ABC) and WTKR (CBS)—offer Richmond viewers a combined total of more than 14 hours of local broadcast journalism. Local news junkies can get their fix every day at 5am, 9am, noon, 4pm, 5pm, 5:30pm, 6pm and again at 11pm. It looks like news. It sounds like news. But after giving up 30 minutes of your life (30 minutes you won’t be getting back), you’re left feeling scared, confused and used. Instead of suffering in silence, we decided to get to the heart of the problem. After finding the following “Ten Commandments” posted prominently in each station’s newsrooms, everything suddenly made sense. 

Thou shalt cultivate a constant state of panic and fear.
Remind people that danger and evil lurk around every corner, especially in places where they least expect it (i.e. public restrooms, hotel bedsheets, otherwise quiet neighborhoods, their own refrigerators). It is especially effective to get viewers to constantly question the safety of their children by asking them to picture the outside world as a deadly carnival of pedophiles, poison candy and murderous micro-organisms. Use the following phrases often: “real life nightmare,” “worst fear,” “nobody saw it coming” and “he seemed like such a normal guy.”

Thou shalt obsess over weather.
Nothing is as important as the weather. Nothing. Did you see that giant radar thingy in the parking lot? Those things cost money, lots of money. We have to do everything we can to convince viewers that our thingamajig can save their lives when the time comes. Never mind that most of the time it just sits there computing the difference between “partly sunny” and “mostly cloudy”… with the right graphics and teasers we can make viewers wet themselves before the first drop of rain hits the ground. Simply cull together the worst storm footage (bonus points for using the flying cow from “Twister” ), add brooding synth music and intersperse with scenes of someone pointing to a map.

Thou shalt share all compelling video regardless of relevance.
What constitutes compelling video? Any sort of assault, crash, explosion, calamity or grainy, Loch-Ness-Monster-quality surveillance video that requires a freeze-framed, highlighted circle to zoom on the action. Need more help? Ask yourself these three questions: Would you email the video to your co-workers? Does the video prompt squirming, wincing or the shouting of loud obscenities? Does the video include escaped zoo animals and/or a topless David Hasselhoff? If you answered ‘yes’ to any of the previous questions, you have compelling video on your hands. (If you answered ‘yes’ to all three, use the video as your lead story.)

Thou shalt broadcast remotely from out of doors.
Take every opportunity to get outside with a camera crew and remote broadcast van. When the viewer realizes that we are committed to standing in front of darkened municipal buildings and high above speeding traffic on an anonymous overpass, they will realize that we are willing to go anywhere for a story. 

Thou shalt not dwell in your own backyard.
Even though most of our viewers enjoy anytime access to the internet and cable, it is important that we still provide them with random celebrity gossip and international news from across the globe. Please ignore that there are several 24-hour news channels that cover breaking news everywhere on the planet. Don’t worry that by the time we air these kinds of stories, they will be old news in every other medium. People need to hear things more than once, especially if it has to do with misbehaving famous people and large groups of foreign people acting crazy. And (as long as there is video) people need to hear about random acts of crime and disaster all over the country (examples: floods in the Midwest, small plane crashes in Oregon, ATM robberies in Illinois, police chases in California and especially trucks that crash into Ohio convenience stores).

Thou shalt tease relentlessly.
There’s an old saying, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” Why will people watch your broadcast if you give them everything during the promos? It’s absolutely urgent that we leave them desperate for more. You can use fear: “Is it possible that the sandwich you just ate could be poisoned? New at 11.” You can use greed: “A rare million dollar penny was found by a local man in his couch. Could you be sitting on fortune? New at 11.” Or you can just stoke a person’s natural curiosity: “I’m thinking of a number between 1 and 100. Can you guess what it is? Find out new at 11.”

Thou shalt use any means to hold a viewers attention.
Nobody wants to just look at someone’s face for 30 whole minutes. Make sure every part of the screen is utilized by adding advertiser logos, stock tickers, fancy title screens and animated dancing mascots. A clever way to keep viewers interested is to hire news anchors with weird hair, fake-looking eyebrows or that glazed, “faraway look.” In addition to multiple desks, allow anchors to wander the newsroom, stand in front of flat screen televisions or lounge casually in overstuffed bean bag chairs.

Thou shalt position thyself as a champion of the common man.
It’s not enough to deliver weather, sports and bad news and then rest on our laurels. We must do everything to cultivate ourselves as more than anchors and reporters. We must become friends. Open phone lines to answer questions, chase down crooked plumbers and spread bad news about the sous chef who forget to wear his hairnet. Repeatedly tell viewers that the news team belongs to them (don’t worry, they don’t really own you) and that you are “on their side.” We succeed if people see our news vehicles as mobile force working for the public good… much like an ambulance, a bookmobile or the A-Team van.

Thou shalt comment often to add gravitas.
Help the viewer fully realize the emotions they are feeling after a tragic story by having anchors say things such as: “So sad,” “That is a real tragedy,” and “The wicked scythe of Death often strikes without warning.” Additionally, following any “feel good” piece involving puppies, kittens or squirrels, it is important to chuckle warmly to remind the audience that small animals are precocious and adorable.

Thou shalt never pursue a news story beyond its surface.
Nobody will argue that “All the President’s Men” was a great movie. But as a work of fiction it doesn’t really resonate in the real world of local news production. Most of your stories will come from your email inbox, web sites and miscellaneous faxes. Random studies and statistics help give your reporting “substance” and it’s important to round out the “total news package” by soliciting the uninformed opinions of random strangers in area parking lots. 

This is why I read the newspapers - and (sorry) not the RTD, because their front page “news” seems to subscribe to some of the same commandments. I can control what I read, and when I want to read it; even if it means I get the news roughly eight hours later than I could know it on the screen. I HATE broadcast news programs!

Howl!!! This is great- you might also note the coverage of local cultural events consists of before commercial tease eventually reduced to 30 seconds or less near the end of the hour, often bumped by celebrity infotainment to run briefly under the credits.

I’d rather see Chestaricoverich high school musical shorts than five seconds of paris or brittany.

They ain’t local girls anyway.

I enjoyed the “10 Commandments” format and found the article to be dead-on. I certainly hope the local news producers and anchors read it. The “on your side” stuff is just unbearable anymore.

how about also: “Thou shall have a crappy website that does not get updated on the weekends”.

Love this article--very true--do watch the news & when it gets too much, turn it off & wait for the papers to tell the full story.  Thanks for keeping Brick interesting & provocative.
Maria