Whoever Jacob Lee is, I think he needs to give it up, and I don’t mean just reviewing, I mean life in general. He sounds incredibly bored with everything around him and nothing seems to be “up to his standards.”
I have never read a review of his that has done anything but make me want to seek him out and give him that deathblow he so desperately deserves. I can only guess his favorite bands are Pavement, Wilco, and some jammy Grateful Dead type Indie hybrid that only jaded old guys could possibly love while sobbing in their beer and remembering the good old days.
Let me do it. I can’t do worse. I am a 30 something ex punk/hardcore guy who listens to everything from Beethoven to black metal and am not jaded enough to despise something just because it’s NOT like the above mentioned bands. I can give you many more reasons why I would be a better music reviewer than Jacob Lee. Either way, Lee has to go. Consign him reviewing romance novels as his purgatory, but PLEASE no more music reviews by Mr. Lee. Sorry, you had your chance and you’ve failed.

Dear readers,
I’ve toiled long and hard for a response just like this one. Note the self-righteous indignation, the thinly veiled death threats, and the strangely menacing sense of smug superiority. Yessir folks, my job here is done. While Brian would be a worthy successor, I am instead outsourcing MM to a Lithuanian midget transvestitute. Current budget restrictions allow only one small dick on my staff, and—well—the midget’s cheaper. Loathe me? Have cool shit to share? Let her know at .
–Jacob Lee

Oh, shit! People read these! I feel gratified and loved.

For everyone’s future reference, here’s how I work: I reviews what I gets. The only consideration that goes into choosing each week’s lot is the item’s street date--I try to ensure that each item’s release date is roughly concurrent with Brick’s publication schedule. Occasionally, I’ll have to bleed a few weeks’ worth of crap over several columns; sometimes, the PR well runs dry, and I’ll be forced to write about intangibles, like websites and magazine articles. A small number of items do get tossed into the slush pile, but they’re generally things where I can think of no better opinion than “meh.” If I like it, it’s going in; and if I hate it, it’s definitely going in.

Hey, I’d be overjoyed if I was inundated with stuff that I love so much that I can’t help but shit sunshine and piss roses all over it. Do your part to help: do something that’s so incredibly spectacular that I will have no choice but to lovingly coddle your testicles, and then let me know about it. I write for the children, after all.

Jacob, isn’t there enough good shit out there that you can write about that you don’t have to spend time tearing down stuff that isn’t? Really, it’s no surprise you hate Death Cab for Cutie...guys like you always do. So write about something you actually do like.

I suppose the “Abrasive Guy who Hates Everything but Reviews it Anyway” thing is your schtick, but it ain’t funny, son. Please tell me you’re local...I couldn’t bear the thought of someone like you being syndicated.