I can’t believe you are allowed to be published. I happen to love Ben & Jerry’s totally unique and wonderful flavors! Not only that, but what an improvement to the Carytown district.

That nasty pink rundown eyesore of a laundromat has been replaced with a new refreshing look. It used to be a scary kind of corner to walk past at night. It was always dark, and had an element hanging around you didn’t always want to be near. Now it seems the lights have all been repaired, the property has been repainted and is bright and clean inside. There also seems to be lots of people sitting in chairs around tables and under umbrellas enjoying themselves, not to mention terrific ice cream.

For a reporter to be so negative about a new business, much less one who has helped to really improve our Carytown, is an insult to all who read your mindless bag-o-crap! Oh by the way…I happen to have had an ice cream at Ben & Jerry’s last Saturday night, which by the way was very busy. In talking with the man who happily scooped my cone and was so friendly (and even thanked me), I found out he was the LOCAL franchise owner! I was really surprised as even I thought it was just corporate America showing up in Carytown.  I’m even more glad now than I was before to know that I will indeed be supporting local people who are just trying to run a business.

So Paul Spicer, it appears you have made many inaccurate comments which you probably could have found out yourself if you had spent all of 5 minutes like any legitimate reporter does, trying to learn something about the subject they are writing on. So go ahead call me a jerk for not taking your side… but I’m only a jerk when I run across people like you.  You unfortunately, have to be one the rest of your life.

- Kevin Hetson

First of all Kevin, we’re talking about ice cream here, right? During rational, adult discussions of ice cream it’s never appropriate to call anyone a jerk. I think you owe Paul an apology. I’m going to ask that you apologize immediately, assume that you have and then proceed with my response. Okay? Okay.

Secondly… mindless bag-o-crap? What’s up with that? I think there are some issues here that you aren’t ready to deal with Kevin. I don’t think you’re angry with Brick or with Paul Spicer. I think you’re mad at yourself. I think that deep inside you feel that you don’t deserve that ice cream and you feel guilty for going back night after night for a pint.

But you’re stuck. The ice cream is the only thing that makes the voices go away. You stop eating the ice cream, the voices start up again. You can’t eat ice cream every day but you’ll do whatever it takes to quiet the voices. Because when the voices talk… bad things happen. Am I right Kevin?

Attacking a perfectly decent freelance writer and the otherwise well-intentioned free weekly paper that he writes for is no way to handle your inner demons. Your battle is not out here my friend, your battle is inside. Until you face that fact and spend some quality Kevin time dealing with what makes Kevin angry, you’re just going to end up running in circles and coming off like a bit of an ice cream loony.

I’ll make a deal with you, Kevin. If you learn to handle your ice cream rage in a more mature fashion and make a concerted effort to carve out some quality Kev time for reflection and quiet contemplation… I’ll let you in on a brand new, super secret partnership. Why would I extend this invitation to someone who verbally soiled my livelihood? The idea of this new business proposition is to reach out to strangers. Plus, the opportunity seems ideal for you. You’ll find the email I received below. Please read it and let me know as soon as possible if you’d like to be involved.

Dearest one,

Greetings as you go through the dept of this email designed to inform you of my desire to go into business relationship with you which will turn be of a great mutual benefit to both of us although I selected your email address among others because of its esteeming nature while surfing the internet.
My parents were very wealthy cocoa merchant based in Abidjan, the economic capital of Ivory coast before they were both poisoned to death by my father’s brothers while on a family meeting in the village.

However, before my father gave up to the ghost, he secretly waved me to his bedside and whispered in my ear that he deposited the sum of TWELVE MILLION DOLLARS (USD$12,000.000) in one metallic trunk box into an Abidjan base security company under the coverage of family valuables using my name as the next of kin.

He also made me to understand that his brothers were responsible for his death and instructed me to look for a foreigner who will help me transfer this fund and invest it wisely abroad and to prove it all, six month after my parents death his brothers sold all his properties including our family house and now seeking to kill me too.

I am honorably seeking your assistance in the following ways:

(1) To provide a bank account into which this money would be transferred to
(2) To serve as a guardian of this fund
(3) To make arrangement for me to come over to your country to further my education and to secure a resident permit in your country
(4) To form a vigilant squad of Ben & Jerry’s loyalists that will travel all of America to combat false claims and smears from printings in newspaper mediums

I am willing to offer you 15% of the total sum as compensation for your effort.
P.S. I also happen to love Ben & Jerry’s totally unique and wonderful flavors!