We’re big enough to admit that none of the people (or corporate robots) we hired to do this job has worked out. So rather than sift through a heavy stack of applications in search of some under-qualified replacement, we realized that it’s not necessary to pay someone to do a half-assed job that we’re perfectly capable of doing ourselves.

So without further ado, here are some things to a do.

Thursday 9.20

Need a hobby? Considering doing drugs? Check out the free lecture “The Pharmacology of Recreational Drugs,” given by Robert L. Balster, Ph.D., director of the VCU Institute for Drugs and Alcohol Studies. Free and open to the public, at 7pm in the VCU School of Business Auditorium (1015 Floyd Ave.).

The Virginia Museum of Fine Arts hosts Third Thursday tonight at 6pm. This week’s theme is “The Club Scene.” Music will be provided by DJ Mr. G’s R&B Dance Party. The food and beverage combo is Blackened Catfish and Blue Martinis (which sounds to us like a sure-fire recipe for “morning after” trouble). Tickets are $10.

Friday 9.21

Master P went from slinging crack in New Orleans to the hallowed pages of The Guinness Book of World Records where he is listed as the highest paid entertainer of 1999. Now he has a book to show you how he did it. Rapper Percy “Master P” Miller signs copies of his book, “Guaranteed Success” tonight at 7pm at Barnes & Noble Short Pump (11640 W. Broad St.).

The VCU Arabic Film Festival starts today. All films are free, subtitled in English and open to the public at the Grace Street Theater (934 W. Grace St.). Friday’s first screening is at 6:30pm. Continues all day Saturday. http://www.arabicfilmfestival.com

The Third Annual St. Benedict Oktoberfest starts today at 5pm. Admission is free. Beer costs money. In the parking lot between St. Benedict Catholic Church and Benedictine High School (300 N. Sheppard St.). http://www.stbenedictoktoberfest.com

Friday night the United Wrestling Federation brings Capital Punishment II to the Siegel Center. What does this all mean? Carnage baby, lots and lots of carnage (otherwise known as beefy, longhaired dudes in tight-fitting unitards slapfighting and sweating like pigs… aka good times). Show starts at 7:30pm. Tickets are $10. http://www.uwfusa.com

Saturday 9.22

The Second Annual Virginia Garden Festival takes place at Lewis Ginter Botanical Gardens (1800 Lakeside Avenue) from 9am–5pm. This is the place to be if you have a figurative “Green Thumb.” An actual green thumb will likely require the attention of a licensed physician. Admission is free. http://www.virginiagreen.org/virginiagardenfestival.htm

If you like System of a Down and meat pies, you won’t want to miss the 49th Annual Armenian Food Festival. Every member of the band has an Armenian background and fueled their rapid rise to hard rock success with plenty of spinach triangles and beef kebobs. Emulate them by visiting St. James Armenian Church (834 Pepper Ave.) all weekend (Saturday from 11am–9pm and Sunday from noon–7pm) for mezza plates, pomegranate wine and sweet bread. Admission is free. http://www.stjamesva.org

Sunday 9.23

The Family Peace Festival takes place at St. Joseph’s Villa (8000 Brook Rd.) from 11am–5pm. The free event features performances by Drums No Guns and East Indian Dancers as well as food, arts vendors and a moon bounce (see page 4). http://www.familypeacefestival.org

Monday 9.24

Once upon a time, the Quaker who founded Pennsylvania said this: “All excess is ill, but drunkenness is of the worst sort. It spoils health, dismounts the mind, and unmans men. It reveals secrets, is quarrelsome, lascivious, impudent, dangerous and bad.” Was William Penn right? Or was he just a loudmouth buzz kill who spoiled everyone’s Colonial fun? Decide for yourself by checking out “Live Outside the Bottle: The Story of Alcoholism in America,” a traveling exhibition making a week-long stop at the Science Museum of Virginia (2500 W. Broad St.). Various displays, interactive activities and multimedia guide you through the history and treatment of alcoholism.